The Journal

Issue date: 3/23/06 Section: Opinion/Editorial

Amy Swanson

I never thought this time would actually come. I am graduating in less than two months. Yet, I still remember my very first day of college nearly four years ago at Western Illinois University. I was scared and nervous; I walked into the wrong classroom twice the first week and I got on the wrong bus to cart me around campus quite often. I thought college would be the biggest challenge of my life. But, now that I have lived through it, I wonder what I was so scared of.

As my college career draws to an end, I am recalling feelings I haven't felt since those early days. I wouldn't call my constant anxiety during the past year "senioritis." I am not sure there is a word to describe it other than fear. I feel the same fear that I felt when I left for college, only now I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

The worst part about being a graduating senior is facing the same, never-ending question from everyone you meet, "So, what are you doing after you graduate?" If I had a great answer I wouldn't mind answering it, but of course I don't. The only thing I can say is "I don't know," which causes my inquisitor to give me a look of pity. I hate that look. The look that says, "You don't have your shit together yet! You are graduating in two months!" As if I didn't know.

I want to start having a little fun with it, though. The next time someone asks me what I am doing post-graduation, I'm just going to deliver the most outlandish crap I can think of. It will leave them satisfied with a non-superficial answer and I won't have to get that look. I think I should start with backpacking in Europe for the summer, subsequently followed by spending a year in the rain forests of Brazil collecting my thoughts on a possible novel based on the life of a tree. Or I could be leaving the day after graduation to train for the next summer Olympics. I have always wanted to be a marathon runner or an archer.

Besides dodging people who ask me questions I don't have the answers to, I have been biding my time with classes and work. I finally quit one of my two jobs and the freedom feels so close I can touch it. I also ended a night class and my homework has been cut in half. So I can't really complain about my current situation. I am set on cruise and even though I have been dented along the way it's been a pretty smooth ride.

The only thing that has made it bumpy is my own neuroses. My numerous anxieties and worrying have caused me the most trouble and frustration. For example, I would rather put off a huge paper to the morning of, rather than spending several days working on it piece by piece. This has caused me many hectic mornings and headaches, but the anxiety that builds up is the most effective anecdote for focus and speed I have yet to experience. So, I continue to do it because it hasn't failed me yet and I plan to see it through to the bitter end. I don't recommend my methods to everyone because it has probably aged me about five years.

I am a procrastinator at heart and, staying true to myself, I have put off making any plans for my future until now. I have never really been a go-getter or willing to put myself out there, but I would like to think that when an opportunity does arise, I'll take it. This could be very problematic for me in the next few months as I search for a job or an internship. Hell, I'll take anything I can get because although I love my mom and dad, wild horses couldn't make me move back in with them. A 2 a.m. curfew? Need I say more?

Even though I will have a degree and will probably be unemployed at the same time come May, I'm confident things will work out. My life has been a map thus far, I have followed the road through high school and college­ ­- not to a fork in the road - but a freeway of exits, U-turns and the occasional fender-bender. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, and I'm OK with that.

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