2008 Woodie Awards
Rally challenges abuse
Annual Take Back the Night speak-out and rally brings together more than 50 students
By: Lanz Christian Banes
Issue date: 5/3/07 Section: News
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"I kept telling myself it was just a bad relationship," said Matthews, now 18. "Colette Matthews" is an assumed name.
Yet Matthews experienced more than just signs of a relationship falling apart - threats of murder, suicide and forced sex characterized much of the two years she spent with her then-boyfriend.
Matthews - no matter how much time she spent denying it - was being abused.
Take Back the Night
Matthews was but a single woman who attended Webster's annual Take Back the Night April 25.
The event, said junior Kara Miller, a video production major, was originally created in Pittsburg, Penn., during the 1970s for women who feared violence as they walked alone in the dark. Miller is the president of Students for Gender Equality, the organization that sponsored Take Back the Night.
"I have every right to walk alone in a park and expect - demand - not to get assaulted," said Lisa Jones, who spoke at the event on behalf of the Victim Services Division of St. Louis Prosecuting Attorney's Office.
Take Back the Night has since evolved to also raise awareness of domestic and sexual violence. Most of the 50 people in attendance were women, though many of the six speakers had messages for both sexes.
"We have to engage men in this battle," Jones said. "This isn't a womens' issue, it's a mens' issue. Women cannot stop rape, men can. Men can be our allies."
However, there were no male speakers, though a member of RAVEN was scheduled to come, Miller said. RAVEN is a St. Louis-based organization that seeks to end male domestic violence by working with men.
There were several male students at the event.
Freshman art major Zach Otte thought Take Back the Night was effective in raising awareness and said men should take responsibility for the violence they perpetrate against women.
"I (liked) talking to other men who feel the same say about it," Otte said.
Otte had the opportunity to talk to the half dozen or so men who came together as part of a male-only talk session, a reflection of the traditional women-only session - of which Matthews was a part - where women speak privately of their experiences. Due to privacy concerns, and in an effort to create a safe space, media was not allowed in either session.
From love to fear
Matthews' abuse progressed slowly, beginning with some seemingly mundane behaviors, such as her boyfriend not liking her friends. This would eventually evolve to Matthews losing most of her friends and having to look at the floor whenever the two went out to avoid a jealousy-inspired fight.
Additionally, he began to destroy her self-esteem, becoming more controlling as the months passed. He was 22 when they began dating and is 24 now.
"I have big weight issues, and he would allude to the fact I was gaining weight," Matthews said.
As his paranoia grew, these small jabs at Matthews' weight escalated into threats of slitting her throat.
"It was a lot of verbal and mental abuse," Matthews said.
Matthews recalled one incident where the two drove together to Columbia, Mo. He spent much of the ride explaining to her that the sole purpose of the trip was so he could murder her and the friends she was going to see. Matthews burst into tears, knowing he kept a kitchen knife in his car.
"He asked me, 'Why are you crying?' - like everything should be hunky-dory," Matthews said.
He also would force her to have sex, particularly in the early mornings before he went to work and while she slept. They had been living together since January 2006.
Matthews got some respite when she started attending Webster last fall and moved into the dorms. As she struggled to throw off his abuse, her boyfriend began threatening to kill himself. This negatively affected Matthews' schoolwork as she continuously missed class, many times to convince him to not commit suicide. One incident stood out strongly in her mind.
"I was trying to break up with him, and he told me he was going to slit his wrist," Matthews said.
From the sound of his voice, she believed him and called his mother on another phone. His mother rushed to his home, only to find him unhurt and annoyed at her disruption.
He was hospitalized that night - but far from quietly. He called Matthews throughout his stay, blaming her for why he was in the hospital.
Eventually, Matthews found herself confronting him in her dorm room, where he backhanded her after she said she wanted to end the relationship.
"That was the final straw," said Matthews, who had promised herself she would never be in a relationship where she was physically abused.
They parted, and Matthews thought she was finally free. Yet her ordeal was far from over.
The system fails
Kathleen Tofall of the St. Louis Circuit Attorney's Victim Services spoke at Take Back the Night of how sexual assault is dealt with in the legal system. Often, the post-rape investigation itself re-victimizes a woman, Tofall said.
"Sometimes, we can't get physical evidence," Tofall said.
For Matthews, the system failed her in other ways - beginning here at Webster.
Last December, her abusive ex-boyfriend walked into her suitemate's room seeking access into Matthews' own room. Her suitemate refused and led him down to the front lobby of the dorms, after which she left for class.
When Matthews returned, she discovered her laptop missing - he had returned to her room and taken it. Indeed, a Public Safety surveillance video shows him walking out of the dorms with her laptop, Matthews said.
Unlike the dorms at Loretto Hall and Webster Hall, there is no Public Safety officer inside the entrance of East and West halls.
Matthews got a temporary restraining order against him. She said he violated it three times and was never punished.
Matthews next attempted to file a full order of protection, Missouri's version of a full restraining order. However, due to a court registrar's mistake, Matthews said she was recorded as having missed the hearing, causing the temporary restraining order to be lifted. Matthews changed her cell phone number to stop the harassing calls.
After she discovered there was a warrant out for her ex-boyfriend's arrest for the theft of her laptop, she decided to file for another temporary restraining order, which she said he violated four times. When she went to the police to report him, she discovered he had never been served the second restraining order.
"I just crumbled," Matthews said "I felt betrayed …. (It's) a system that's supposed to be protecting me."
Finally, however, Matthews was able to obtain a full order of protection this March. She has been out of contact with her ex-boyfriend since then.
Hear their voices
Deanna Beaton, a freshman scriptwriting major and SFGE member, explained the importance of listening during the speaker part of the event.
"If you know someone (who has been assaulted), the No. 1 thing you can do is believe them," Beaton said.
Take Back the Night concluded with a march through the campus, with approximately 30 women and men raising their voices in chants like "We have the power, we have the right. The streets are ours, take back the night!"
The snaking line of people and signs wound through the Webster Village Apartments parking lot and up Edgar Road, skirting Public Safety's office on its way to the parking lot between Webster Groves High School and the university. There, the process halted for a brief candlelight vigil to remember a woman who was sexually assaulted in that very parking lot years ago.
Altogether, Miller said the event was a success, with a higher attendance than last year's.
However, freshman Lucy Dougherty, a social sciences major, was disappointed by the turnout.
"I wish a lot more people were here," Dougherty said.
Matthews felt better after participating in Take Back the Night. She was especially thankful for the people who came and hugged her after the women-only session.
"I don't think people talk about it enough," Matthews said.
For a long time, Matthews remained silent about her ordeal, believing her friends did not want to hear it. In fact, she felt guilty, believing she should not feel hurt and scared because women are raped and beaten daily.
Eventually, she confided in a legal studies professor, who comforted Matthews and explained to her that her feelings were normal. The professor became Matthews' advocate, contacting Student Affairs, which sent messages to all of Matthews' professors notifying them of her situation.
Matthews credits the professor for helping her begin the healing process. For her, the hardest part was convincing herself she was being abused. She started talking to her friends about it, who were ready to listen.
"All my friends were really my friends," said Matthews, who had feared her friends had simply wanted her to stop talking about her situation.
However, Matthews said it is still difficult to adjust to her life outside an abusive relationship.
"It's a relief, but it's a lot of work to get back to normal," Matthews said.
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